How do you like your Brexits in the morning?


If you believe what you read there are only two kinds of brexit currently on offer, hard-boiled or soft boiled. Utter nonsense, as we’ll see later, but let’s get those two out of the way first.

Soft-boiled Brexit is perfect for those with very delicate stomachs. It’s the closest thing to none at all, only eaten because there’s really nothing else on the menu. It means a very slow cooking time indeed, waiting several months before you even put it in the pan and then a further two years of slow simmering. At the end of this time it should come out with a little extra tariff and quite loose borders, and be available over most of Europe.

Hard-boiled Brexit is an alternative option, favoured by many with a dyspeptic or choleric constitution. The kitchen technique is known as ‘triggering’. For this the temperature should be turned up, the cooking time shortened, and the lid closed down tight. Any signs of colouration should be discarded. This comes at a higher price and consumers should be aware that it can cause long-term dysfunction in major organs. It will however be very popular in some areas served with a white sauce chauviniste.

As the preparation of this dish is very complex, diners may find themselves served with an inferior product, Scrambled or even Fried Brexit. In such cases lawyers or large firms of accountants may be called in to investigate and you could find your dish extremely cold by the time they have finished picking it over. Delays of up to seven years or more have been mentioned by informed sauces – sorry, sources – by which time it should probably be mercifully despatched into the bin with an appropriate blessing : Brexit Benedict perhaps.

One brexit dish which has so far eluded even our most skilled chefs is Scotch Brexit. No matter how carefully this is approached or how painstakingly put together this seems to resist the cooking process, tending to explode and scatter pieces of brexit everywhere. Other regional variations are hardly more successful. The Spanish Omelette Brexit comes with a sour taste. Even worse, a large container ship which docked at Dover marked “French Brexit Toast – over to vous” was found not to contain foodstuffs at all but the entire edifice known as The Jungle complete with occupants.

The more exotic forms of brexit should also be avoided. These include Pickled Brexit, disgusting to all except the intoxicated, and Devilled Brexit, an even harder and more violent version of Hard-boiled Brexit, see above.

Despite this cornucopia of recipes, as voted for by you in the Great British Brexit-Off, there are many people – almost half the population – for whom it has no appeal at all. Cases of Brexit Intolerance have already been recorded in all parts of the United Kingdom, characterised by outbursts of sighing, tutting and mumbles of “How can people be such ******s”. Sadly this condition cannot be eased by resort to the NHS as they claim to be waiting for an extra £350,000,000 per week (known in financial circles as “A Boris”) before treating anyone. There appears to be no viable cure on the horizon.

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